As everyone has heard by now, Rick Warren was chosen to give the invocation at Obama's inauguration. I am wavering between outrage and resignation. On the one hand, Rick Warren has said some terrible things about abortion, gays, and other religions. On the other, it is smart for Obama to win points with the religious right. In an attempt to make a decision on this, I googled the pastor to find the original sources of the quotes people have attributed to him. Instead, I stumbled across an interview in which he claimed to not be homophobic, because he had gay friends whose house he had recently visited.
Ah, the "gay friend." Little step-sister to the "black friend." Or the "disabled friend."
Here is the thing. I am not your "gay friend." If you need to take me out of your diversity wallet to defend yourself against the spector of homophobia, then I was never your friend to begin with. Talking about your "gay friend" immediately negates any friendship you thought you had.
Because:
1) You had to defend yourself against homophobia in the first place, and could not do so on its own merits. Being friendly is not a defense. Friendly people can be homophobic, and rude people can be accepting of different sexual orientations. Nice does not equal good.
2) If you think of me as your "gay friend"--the feather in your tolerance cap--then that is all I am to you. You feel better each time you are nice to me, the way you feel better when you give food to the homeless. That's not friendship. That's pity.
3) You are not my friend anyway. Newsflash: Gay people know the difference between "friends" and friends. I know whether you like me because I make you feel tolerant and good, or whether you like me because you think I'm fun to hang out with. I can be nice too--but I won't call you my "evangelical friend."
In the end, it comes down to the meaning of friendship. You are my friend if you enjoy being in my company, and I enjoy being in yours. You are my friend if you are happy for me when something good happens, and if you comfort me when I am sad. I am your friend in the same ways. Friendship does not require approval of everything I do. We can get irritated with one another and still be friends. But friendship does require a partnership of equals, respect, and understanding. And that is something that any would-be-tolerant people and their "gay friends" do not have.
*P.S.: I realize that my readership is pretty limited to my close friends, so this probably doesn't apply to you. But it needed to be said. Also, this doesn't mean that talking about your gay friend is bad. Just not to defend yourself against a charge of homophobia. If you really aren't homophobic, you can do that on your own.
Ah, the "gay friend." Little step-sister to the "black friend." Or the "disabled friend."
Here is the thing. I am not your "gay friend." If you need to take me out of your diversity wallet to defend yourself against the spector of homophobia, then I was never your friend to begin with. Talking about your "gay friend" immediately negates any friendship you thought you had.
Because:
1) You had to defend yourself against homophobia in the first place, and could not do so on its own merits. Being friendly is not a defense. Friendly people can be homophobic, and rude people can be accepting of different sexual orientations. Nice does not equal good.
2) If you think of me as your "gay friend"--the feather in your tolerance cap--then that is all I am to you. You feel better each time you are nice to me, the way you feel better when you give food to the homeless. That's not friendship. That's pity.
3) You are not my friend anyway. Newsflash: Gay people know the difference between "friends" and friends. I know whether you like me because I make you feel tolerant and good, or whether you like me because you think I'm fun to hang out with. I can be nice too--but I won't call you my "evangelical friend."
In the end, it comes down to the meaning of friendship. You are my friend if you enjoy being in my company, and I enjoy being in yours. You are my friend if you are happy for me when something good happens, and if you comfort me when I am sad. I am your friend in the same ways. Friendship does not require approval of everything I do. We can get irritated with one another and still be friends. But friendship does require a partnership of equals, respect, and understanding. And that is something that any would-be-tolerant people and their "gay friends" do not have.
*P.S.: I realize that my readership is pretty limited to my close friends, so this probably doesn't apply to you. But it needed to be said. Also, this doesn't mean that talking about your gay friend is bad. Just not to defend yourself against a charge of homophobia. If you really aren't homophobic, you can do that on your own.
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1 comment:
Well said! I have often struggled to find the right words to explain to someone why "I know black people" does not negate racist actions or views. Thanks for hitting the high points. I have a sad feeling that I'm going to be explaining this to more people in the near future.
Personally, I think it would have been far more appropriate for Obama to select someone for the invocation who preaches a doctrine of inclusiveness, but I'm not reallt convinced that having an invocation sits well with me in the first place.
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